I was taking a train to my brother’s in Connecticut for our weekly hike with our dogs and circle-jerk. I had brought my laptop on the train and was writing away when the train started to slow—it was my stop! I powered down, shoved it in its bag, grabbed my coat—anything else—oh yeah, grabbed my dog, and exited the train.
My brother usually shows up late to pick me up from the station. I’m certain this is because his soul had signed a contract in the netherworld regarding helping me to learn patience and to figuratively keep my hard-on when the stroking feels like you’re being wacked-off with a Brillo Pad. This may not in fact be the case but the other alternative would involve me sawing him up into many small pieces and flushing him down the toilet and my toilet doesn’t have much pressure as it is, often requiring me to flush twice for even a minor dump, and the thought of plunging the porcelain and seeing the water cloud and fill with chunks of my brother is more than I want to imagine.
Well, I don’t have a problem imagining it. I’m actually doing so right now. But in my mind the clean up is a lot easier, no scrubbing, no down on my hands and knees and blowing the cleaning man—just think about something else and it’s done. A purple elephant…there see!
When he arrived, I opened the back door of his car (I was saving opening “his” back door for after the hike), and led the wagging tails of Abandon and Molly cause a vortex of love and happiness. Molly is a Vizsla, which is a yuppified that is very common in his part of the white-collar crime community. Sometimes when we hike with them, we’ll come across another hiker with a Vizsla and you get the old, “Love your Vizsla, Billy Ray!” “Love your Vizsla, Louis!”
I nearly went off on one of my soapbox speeches on animal abuse when we came across a man who had three Vizlas and was looking to pick up another. Due to my influence and annoyance, my brother asked if he would “dock” the tail, meaning mutilate the dog because some jackass decided that this breed of dog should not have a tail. They justify it with nonsense like, “It’s to prevent it from getting cut up as the dog wags its tail in the brush,” and I just want to cut off their cocks and say, “This is so a moron like you won’t wag your pecker in any bush and pass on your mentally defective genes.” The tail is not just an “appendage” that serves no purpose. Like the appendix and the tonsils, removing it doesn’t prevent anything but the body from being whole, not just physically but in its abilities to navigate in this world of tail and tonsil butchering hacks.
I usually just bite my tongue, as my brother is a respected member of the community and I figure as he is not getting any sex from his wife, why should I take away the one thing that gives him a sense of self-worth? I also am a bit of a masochist and like the taste of blood in my mouth when I chomp down on my tongue.
When I slid in to the front seat of my brother’s car it hit me and I’m not talking about his penis: I had left my inline skates on the train. Weak. I did this once before and they just dropped them off at the Lost & Found in Grand Central Station. With 20/20 hindsight, I should have called up immediately and had them contact the conductor to put them away for me. While my hindsight vision is 20/20, I am a nearsighted Mr. Magoo in the present. Needless to say, the skates never arrived in Grand Central Station. Weak. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8GTHXTEvIc&feature=related]
They were $450 skates, as I use them to buzz around the city to my clients and other places and only roll in style. At the moment, I am pretty hurting for money and I don’t really have $450 to buy new skates. This would mean my dog wouldn’t eat. Hmmm…NO, I can’t do that! I mean, maybe if she just ate one meal a day…NO! I have to feed Abandon, as I’m planning to sell her to China where they will skin her for a fur coat to sell to the American heartless and send her meat to the Middle-East where she will become samosas for some Arabic family and if she’s too thin they won’t pay top dollar. But more than the money, it is disheartening that we live in a society where people are so insecure in Who They Are that they will steal another’s possessions not out of need but out of want.
On one Martin Luther King Jr.’s Day I wrote my own, “I Have A Dream” speech. The first “dream” was something like, “I have a dream… of a society where we can leave our bicycles unlocked and they will be there when we come back, that locks will soon be melted down for the metal to be put for other uses, as in this trusting and honorable society they will no longer serve a purpose.”
I may now add to my “dream” that my stolen skates malfunction when the thief is in the middle of heavy traffic and he gets run over by a truck. This addition was actually in the first draft of Dr. King’s famous “I Have A Dream” speech in regards to “whitey” but his advisors suggested he take it out. Apparently there was a big argument where Dr. King was reported to have shouted, “FUCK THAT WHITE DEVIL!” slapped his secretary in the face with his dick and stormed out of the room. I read this on the conspiracy website www.prisonplanet.com so it’s got to be true!
If one were really transformed from the competitive, fear-based ocean that surrounds us, he would want the best for others regardless; regardless of whether he “beat her out” for a job; regardless of whether she even screwed you in some way. If I were “spiritual,” I would hope that the Size 12 thief would enjoy the skates as much as I did and that the skates would live out their destiny rolling like they were born to roll. But I am not spiritual and so I hope he dies a painful and miserable death.
REFLECTION:
Why do you want another to suffer because they have behaved in a way in which you don’t approve? Even the religious fools say that only God can judge Man. Are you playing God? No, you’re only playing the fake God of fear that spies on everyone while they’re wacking-off in the shower and punishes them for pleasuring themselves. If you were playing God, you would want what is best for the other always, whether they praised your name or cursed you.
MEDITATION:
Imagine you take a train and leave an expensive item on the train and, after an extensive follow-up, you are finally resolute that it was stolen. Imagine the person who stole your item using it and enjoying herself immensely. See how happy she is. Notice the pervading sense of joy she is experiencing. Now imagine Wile E. Coyote dropping a huge boulder on her head and crushing her flat. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQpYK696COk]
This meditation won’t make you any more “spiritual.” But it might make you laugh and see how ridiculous the whole thing is.
