Enlightening Nonsense

My fantasy girl--until she opened her mouth!

I saw an interview with Iranian model Claudia Lynx. I didn’t really care much to hear what she had to say, but since I find her very sexy I figured a half-hour video with her would be like renting porn at a hotel: mission accomplished in 15-seconds and then you question whether it was really worth the $5.95 plus the funny look on the face of the desk person when they slide you the bill for “extras” which is itemized as: PORN RENTAL—“BIG-TITTIED TIE-UP.”

I used to wack-it with coconut oil but after attending the Raw Spirit Festival where Dr. Brian Clement [see “Dr. Brian Clement Is A Prick” http://rebelyogi.com/dr-brian-clement-is-a-prick] basically called coconut oil “Liquid Satan in jar,” I was too frightened to put that stuff anywhere near my body, let alone on my pecker. I kept having a flash-forward of me at the doctor’s office with an elephantitis puffy and him telling me, “This is very unusual. You have a tremendous cholesterol build-up exclusively in your penis. Do you have any idea how this could have happened?” in which case I’d have to confess that I’d been going through a gallon a week of intra-penile coconut oil and despite the fact that he’s stuck a finger up my ass on more than one occasion—most of the time being outside the setting of his office— I really don’t feel all that comfortable sharing my private perversions with anyone but the thousands of readers of my un-blog.

So I had about ten sheets of Seventh Generation paper towels at the ready, not because I was planning to blow a load the volume of legendary porn star Peter “Buckets” North, but because those crappy paper towels don’t really absorb anything, though I continue to buy them thinking I’m somehow saving the planet by buying used and recycled paper towels. I haven’t bought the Seventh Generation toilet paper yet, as the idea of recycled toilet paper is a little more than I can handle at the moment.

I also had a bottle of Baby Oil in place and ready to go. Granted mineral oil is probably not the best thing to apply to a human body but I was willing to risk anything to avoid walking around with the name “Fat Dick” stigmatizing me like the phrase “De plane! De plane!” did Herve Villichaize who played the midget Tattoo on “Fantasy Island.” Maybe he should have asked Mr. Rourke to give him the fantasy of being the size of an adult rather than a prepubescent. Just a thought.

As the video started, I saw the beautiful Claudia Lynx sitting with a white, cleavage-y top and a knitted skirt with her legs crossed and I prayed to Jesus, telling him that I’d go to church and bow down to a disempowering God like the rest of the mindless religious idiots if she would just pull a Sharon Stone from “Basic Instinct” and separate her legs long enough for me to see the golden palace of the Himalayas—and maybe get some of that great Himalayan salt, which is loaded with 84 different minerals, while I was visiting. This was enough to get my coconut oil-detoxed dangler flowing with blood and ready to prove that Rosie from the old Bounty paper towel commercials was probably right that the competitors made a crappy product. And then she opened her mouth and ruined everything.

She told a story about how she came home one day to see fire trucks outside of her apartment—which was burned to the ground— leaving everything destroyed except the clothes on her back. Being a former pyro, I was like, “Oh yeah! Burned down! Tell it, baby!” But just when I was ready to explode in a perversial pyromaniacal, mineral-oiled fit of nirvana, she said how in life many incidences arise, often very difficult ones, that provide opportunities for us to transform ourselves and our lives, to essentially “change form,” into something that is more developed and now able to climb out of the stagnant, stanky pool of old patterning and wash off in the clear, new freshness of a clean rain (I added that metaphor because I am so angry just thinking about her masturbatory sabotage that if I didn’t turn to flowery metaphor I may just do something stupid, like put those new hydraulic nipple clamps I bought on high and say goodbye once and for all, if not to this cruel world, than to my nipples!)

What the hell was she thinking?? I didn’t need any deep thoughts to pull the blood from my nether regions to my heart and head, resulting in me thinking about difficult situations in my own life and how I changed for the better as a result of them! I just needed a hot mama to talk about her hot body and hot fires and maybe some jabber on the uses of elongated raw foods like cucumbers or carrots if she felt the inspiration!

I’m going to give you ladies out there one piece of advice, probably the only piece of advice you’ll ever need to advance yourself in this world:

Men don’t want to have to think about growing in any way other than in our girth from eating all the delicious food you prepare for us while wearing a French maid’s outfit or down below as a result of you bending over in that very same French maid’s outfit with a feather duster sticking out of your ass. “Feelings,” “sensitivity,” “learning from our mistakes,” “becoming a better person”—no interest.

I suppose those few people out there who feel it somehow “empowering” to move on a path towards better health and more awareness and to feel personally responsible while having the support of a community can check out Claudia Lynx at www.claudialynx.com. For the rest of you whose sunny-side up eggs and puffy biscuit turns into a runny, snotty, limp biscuit at the thought of “personal growth,” I suggest you tune into something less “deep”; Enlightening Nonsense may just fit the bill.

Be sure to check out Raw People’s interview with me, which is posted at http://www.rawpeople.com/radio/?p=527. And if you tune in just to jerk-off—light a candle, drink a glass of wine, play some Luthor Vandross and rest assured that I will say absolutely NOTHING deep to spoil the mood.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 16th, 2009 at 3:13 pm and is filed under Self-Reflection, Sexual Deviancy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.