AUTOCORRECT — Part 1: “Purified” to “Profited”

AUTOCORRECT--looking at phone

“I’m going to a convent. Do you want to join me?”

“You’re going to become a nun??”

“No! Concert :)”

I saw on the PATH train an ad that had two people text messaging the above. The joke was how Autocorrect can change a word or message to mean something totally different than what was intended. In the above example, one girl was just trying to invite a friend to join her for a concert and the message sent was one that communicated that she wanted to retire her vagina to God. It’s amazing how much pussy that guy gets!


It reminds me of the time when I was sitting at the dinner table with a home cooked meal in front of me prepared by my mother and intended to say, “Can you pass the salt?” and instead said, “You’re a miserable bitch and the only thing good about this dinner is that I didn’t have to pay for it!” Sometimes these slight gaffs can give us an unexpected laugh. Sometimes, as in the previous example, they can bring a mother to tears.

I used to think Autocorrect was exclusively designed to ruin my comic timing but more recently I realized that while my life is a joke, perhaps life, in the general sense of the word, is not. This had me paying more attention to my Autocorrect and once I was able to break the code, as I suspected, the Universe was using it to communicate messages to me that, to my chagrin, had nothing to do with vaginas.

The following are actual examples that have happened to me. I should let you know that I use a Swype system on my phone where, without losing contact, I slide my finger over the digital keyboard in the pattern of the word. Since using this method will result in one crossing many letters that will not be used in your word, there are other possible permutations of the letters swiped that can lead to alternative words. I should also let you know that no vag’s were hurt during the writing of this piece.



The interpretations, like a Rorschach test, might just be telling me the shadows in my mind that reflects the darkness of my heart. I am choosing to believe it is God and, for a change, that pervert has no problem with me continuing to get laid, as long as I call out his name during orgasm. “OH, GOD!” And I thought I had a big ego!


This communicated that society, which is made up of individuals, has forgotten the true purpose of life. Our purpose is to remember the connection we have to the All & Everything, to not only feel and live the Union but to know—down to our marrow—that Who We Are is no less than God himself. For me, this would explain my own vagina fetish.


Our “Original Sin” has nothing to do with Adam and Eve being—like every child before and after them (okay, maybe not “before,” per se)—curious and perhaps a bit mischievous, or in my case as a youth, sociopathic. It is the forgetfulness of Who We Are. We have incarnated as God forgetting he is God, for the express purpose of Consciousness experiencing all aspects of itself in the process of coming back home to Oneness. There is a Hindu story of a God going into a pig and becoming fully absorbed, no matter how many other gods tried to enlighten him, that Who He Was was the pig. It took finally one of the gods slaughtering the pig to release the entrapped God for him to be like, “Man, thanks for waking me up from the dream. Now let’s hit the nearest iHop. I have a sudden hankering for bacon!” Our “sin” is not because of some error man made. If we are going to say anyone made a mistake, it would then have to be the programmer of this Matrix, because written into the very encoding is this forgetfulness!

If we came in knowing we were God from the get-go, we would be like an actor in a play telling the audience, “Now the script calls for me to be upset in this scene—but since I read the entire play, I already know that the girl comes back to me in Act III. So, if it’s all the same with you, I’m just going to blow off that whole emotional indulgence that’s called for at this point.” But it’s not “all the same.”

How do we absorb our raindrop back into the Ocean of Consciousness? We need to become PURIFIED. This is not done by self-flagellation, which for the longest time I thought was a fancy word for masturbation. Ingesting green juices and unprocessed food is only a small part of the Great Cleanse. We need to be PURIFIED from all the thoughts, judgments, words and actions that keep us thinking we are separate, not only from other people, but from the All & Everything itself.

While we generally all have many choices in life, in a way the choice to choose to focus each spoken word and action not on PURITY but instead on what is PROFIT is a choiceless choice, a byproduct of the culturally inherited belief in separation. Every so-called spiritual process—be it meditation, Self-Inquiry, reading the Scriptures, chanting the various names we have given to God, or even making your genitals no more than portals for the express purpose of flowing rivers of urine earthbound, or facebound if you are into golden showers, and perhaps a touch of blood when Aunt Flo’s in town for a visit—is designed solely to strip away all that we have allowed to cover up what we already are. They are designed not to find an outside energy source for our light, but to remove the darkened lampshade surrounding the bulb whose very nature is to shine brightly.

For fear of sounding a bit anti-capitalist, PROFIT is not only always achieved at someone else’s expense, but also at the expense of our PURITY.


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