AUTOCORRECT--looking at phone

(This is Part 3 of “Autocorrect” where I give examples of how my phone is not only sabotaging my communications but is giving me secret messages of reflection.)

VAGUE to FAKE

One of the core principles of Yoga is Truth. I capitalized “yoga” to distinguish the philosophical and practical system of Self-Realization I am talking about, from the gymnastics that is currently being taught by the same name.

“…and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” (John 8:32)

The Truth, like PURITY, is our natural, unaffected state. To lie we have to concoct an elaborate story and pass this imposter off as Truth. “So my mother slipped on the loose front step, that my father kept saying he was going to fix but never did. and fractured a disc in her back; I think it was L5. Because my father was away visiting his dying Aunt Ethel, who has some type of lymphoma–but truth be told, I think it is the chemo that is killing her–I was the only one available to drive my mother to the hospital. And that is why I’m late for work today.”

Breaking Bad--underwear

If a cop or a lawyer were to grill us on our story, we would have to struggle to remember it. “Was it the first or second step she slipped on?” “The first.” “That’s funny, because you said before it was the second step. Your Honor, the prosecution has proved beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant is full of shit and move for an immediate verdict of Not Excused.”

The truth you don’t have to remember. It just is. All the energy having to remember our lies could be channeled towards our efforts in PURITY. But instead we have to remember to take out the ugly fruit bowl our sister gave us whenever she comes over, that we keep in a dark and unused out of reach cupboard that houses rat poison and the juicer we bought on QVC after we made our short-lived commitment to juice daily and finally take care of that rat problem, because she gave us that dreaded thing and we told her how much we loved it. Or you have to remember not to tell Sam that Frank used to date his wife because they never discussed this when they first met and at this point it would be a cause for suspicion. Believe me, I’m as exhausted writing those sentences as you are from reading them!

One of our modes of avoiding Truth is by being vague. Rather than telling a guy she is not interested in him, a girl will tell him that she is busy this weekend. Instead of saying he is not interested in attending the opera recital, he says, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you,” knowing full well he has nothing on a Sunday at 3pm but hoping that this will buy him time to either make other plans or die. VAGUE is FAKE and the only time FAKE is better than real is when it comes to boobs.

IMG_0301

GUYS to TITS

A nice segue from the last Autocorrect mistake. This one surprised me as much as the time I went home with a girl I picked up at a bar, reached down her pants and felt something that, according to my high school Sex Ed teacher, shouldn’t have been there (he also said that a penis shouldn’t be put into an anus, so we can only take his words with a grain of salt). This was before Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner hit the scene and being “transgender” became so hip and cool. Now even the most macho guys in the gym refer to their Pecs as their “breasts” and their weightlifting belts as their “girdles.” I miss the days when “P.C.” referred simply to a muscle in the pelvic floor that you can squeeze and release to strengthen your pelvic floor and help with continence and a tight vag.

AUTOCORRECT--IM15

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