AUTOCORRECT–Part 5: “Expressive” to “Excessive”

AUTOCORRECT--looking at phone

Early on in my courtship with my girlfriend, I’m talking probably within the first two weeks of dating, she sent me a text message that was quite sweet, something like,“You have a huge schlong and know how to use it!” Nowadays the most loving messages I receive are, “You have a huge schlong—now go fuck yourself with it!”

Touched in a way much deeper than the “tug” portion of a “rub and tug” Asian massage, I wrote her back, “You are very EXPRESSIVE.” I was confused to receive her response of, “Well you just assured I won’t be sending any more messages like that again.” Was this a bit of the inner Autocorrect5--wedding psychopsycho that every woman hides from men until they’ve trapped one with a move in or an “I do”? If so, wasn’t it a little premature of her to pop her ugly head up at this stage in the dating game? Given a choice, I always choose to make the other responsible for any conflict that occurs between us and was about to write back, “Crazy lady, you just assured your last hog tie-up with my anaconda donga!”

I decided to look back over our text conversation and see where the communication train derailed. And then, like finding the clue that gave away to the Scooby Doo Gang that it wasn’t a ghost haunting the wharf but rather Mr. Whipple wearing a sheet trying to destroy the fishing industry because he caught the Captain of the ship squeezing the Charmin, I discovered the origin of our dissent into Hell.

Autocorrect5--Scooby Doo Gang

The Grand Saboteur, Autocorrect, changed what I wrote, “You are very EXPRESSIVE,” to “You are very EXCESSIVE.” Dick!

I felt bad for her. She had offered her sensitivity and had received, albeit accidentally, a textal backhand for her efforts. My response must have sounded like half the comments under YouTube videos—“Gay!” And until I was able to clear up this miscommunication, the girl I had just fallen in love with had to suffer.

Autocorrect5--YouTube gay
Now that’s just darn hurtful! I actually enjoyed very much his gay, fag videos!

With 20/20 hindsight vision, we both got a laugh from it and now we throw the word “EXCESSIVE” around like a farmer tossing manure, or a teenager tossing-off, with even the slightest provocation. If I ask the time more than once, she might say, “EXCESSIVE!” If she asks me for a third round of sex, I might say, “EXCESSIVE!” and we both instantly get a smile from it. Perhaps part of the joy of this trigger word is not just the comic element known as “The Three’s Company” miscommunication,” but also that it brings us back to a time when everything seemed magical and hopeful, which is a pleasant escape from today where all is normal and doom. But in the heat of the moment, the suffering was real because the illusion was believed.


In the Upanishads, sacred writings of the East, there is a teaching story involving a person in a darkened room jerking-off, terrified by seeing what appears to be a snake in the corner of the room. He stands petrified all night—all except his penis, which is now as floppy as a wet noodle—afraid that even a single move on his part will result in a lethal bite from the snake.

Autocorrect5--rope snakeAs dawn breaks and the light of the new day filters through the window of the room, suddenly this ferocious snake is revealed to be nothing more than a rolled up bundle of rope. In an instant the man’s fear is gone and he leaves the room to dispose of his now soiled undergarments.

One lesson here is how our reality is flavored by our minds. A less obvious teaching is that when you decide to masturbate in a room, you should first scout it out thoroughly! An even more obscure teaching involves the idea of awakening to the Self, also called Self-Realization or Enlightenment.

Autocorrect5--enlightenmentThe man didn’t have to “do” any special breathing exercise or yogic posture or imagine a purple flame in his third eye to see the truth. He just needed a touch of “illumination” and then in an instant—not in a year, or five, or ten—the truth was revealed.

Satan’s cock

Breathing exercises can be useful to calm the body and nerves and build a reservoir of pranic energy. Yoga classes can be great to see pretty girls in tight yoga pants sticking their asses in the air in downward dog. Mediation can help one not to be so distracted by the mind and create a little gap between thoughts and feelings and your reaction to these mischievous pests, thus dissipating the “heat” in the moment that, left unchecked, can cause a thermonuclear meltdown.

But these three exercises in and of themselves can cause more obscuration if the practitioner forgets that, like religion, the name you assign to God or the rituals you do to connect with God are less important than the feeling of connection they may—or may not—facilitate. It seems in the name of religion a lot of people are a bit, shall we say, EXCESSIVE.


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