After my incident with the shit flies last night and spending two-hours in the midnight hour writing the piece by the same name [See “Shit Flies” at http://rebelyogi.com/shit-flies], I laid down in my bed and tried to get a few hours of sleep before I would be up again to resume the nightmare that is my life. As I lay there, my mind was racing over the events of the night. Soon Abandon poked her head in the door and asked, “Uh, you gonna call me in here or not?” I tapped the bed a few times in succession, which is her cue that it’s okay to jump up on the bed. One time when I was banging Ogre, in a moment of ecstasy I slapped the bed multiple times and let’s just say it was the threesome that both Ogre and I have agreed never to discuss again.
I went through various scenarios of my face-off with the freckled albino where I led a preemptive strike. In “real” fighting, all the fancy-dancy stuff goes out the window and the K.I.S.S Principle (Keep It Simple, Stupid) comes into play. I know they needed another “S” to make it read, “KISS” but I never appreciated being called stupid. Why not “Sherlock” or “Sally” or something less derogatory? I thought about sending a screaming roundhouse kick to the side of his leg and in the moment’s delay from the shock that I actually hit him, sending a cross to his face. I imagined the same scenario led with a jab. I imagined stepping in close and before he knew what hit him, hitting him with a right hook.
Then the theatrics would begin as I talked to the crowd, throwing fish heads to the sharks. “The freckled albino finally has some color on him—red!” “Remind him when he wakes up of who did this to him.” “I’m now going to pull down his pants and sodomize him!” Of course, this would risk retribution, not to mention getting anal warts on my dick.
I once told a former friend who was a paralegal that going to court was one of the saddest state of events for humans, as it showed that we cannot get past our insecurities and desire to punish the other to find an equitable solution without a mediator stepping into the melee. She disagreed, obviously having to justify her job. I am not saying it is not currently necessary; what I am saying it is also currently pathetic.
In the same way, fighting for anything other than sport or self-defense of you or a loved one is also perhaps the lowest level of human expression, minus Keanu Reeves’ acting, where we dissolve all sense of spirit and become 100% animal. So even if I beat up the freckled albino, what would be gained besides some street cred? Ah, maybe that was enough.
Then an image came to mind and I sat up in bed as my eyes snapped wide open. I imagined him coming back to me on another day and stabbing Abandon with a knife and killing her. And now my dream…
I was in a room that was somewhat disgusting, so it just as easily could have been my apartment as anyplace else. I poured some dry food into a bowl for Abandon but missed. I was like, “Screw it, there’s already food on the floor!” There was a big, fat rat and it started to eat from Abandon’s food bowl. Other people in the room were like, “Gross!” but I thought he was actually cute. He walked away from the food bowl and Abandon went up to him and I just watched. Finally Abandon made a few lunges at him with his mouth and without any warning, kind of like the killer bunny in Monty Python And The Holy Grail, the rat bit Abandon’s back foot, literally severing it off. Abandon collapsed and I saw the bone and blood in the exposed leg. I kicked the rat and it went flying. And then it was clear to me: Abandon wasn’t going to make it.
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcxKIJTb3Hg for Monty Python “killer bunny” scene.]
The significance of the dream was clear to me. I looked at these Dominican rats as not a threat and almost cute. But I have the role of caretaker for Abandon and if she is harmed because of my “sloppy ways” and carelessness, I would have to put my foot in a few rat asses. But regardless of whether I punted a few rats or not, she may never recover to the reckless Abandon that she is.
I don’t particularly like to be dependent on anything, be it government, money or a 17-year old prostitute to get my rocks off. But when you have a dog, or a child, they are dependent on you for food and shelter and affection and unless you are a black father, you feel some kind of obligation to live up to your caretaking role. Abandon relies on me to stay safe in order to keep her safe.
If someone harmed her, I could not tell you what I would do. Perhaps I would freeze up. Most probably I would cause them harm. If someone killed her I may just kill him. I can’t definitively say because I know, as it is when I teach, that I would become a hollow bamboo and the flow would just pass through me and express itself as it saw fit and “i” would not be a part of what entailed.
And quotes like this make me nauseous and see everything a puke green.
Gandhi said, “An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.” He is right. But perhaps it is best to strike blind those who would cause such extreme suffering to others in order that these pain inducers cannot take pleasure in seeing the aftermath of their destructive shitstorm and fuel a desire to cause this type of harm to anyone else. And perhaps it is best that the sufferer goes blind so he is not forced to view the horror left for him by the rat that feeds on a diet of violence and injury, or minimally, so he can be spared watching Keanu Reeves trying, and failing, to act himself out of a wet paper bag.
But as much as I like having someone emasculate me on a regular basis, I have been depriving myself of my alone time and blowing off the quiet activities, such as meditation and walking Abandon, that keep me sane. Not to mention that toilet training Abandon was, in Ogre’s language, “a fuckin’ shitload of mother fuckin’ work!”
