Santa squeezed down the chimney and when he turned around he was surprised by two little children standing below him, 5-year old Sarah and her little brother James. “You scared the shit out of me!” said Santa.
“Santa, my mother says you shouldn’t use those kind of words,” said Sarah.
“Maybe your mother should stop fucking her co-worker Bob before she starts doling out ethical advice,” snapped Santa.
“What does ‘doling’ mean?” asked little James.
“It means your mother’s a whore,” said Santa.
“We have these cookies and milk for you, Santa,” said Sarah excitedly. James immediately joined into her excitement.
“Are these homemade?” asked Santa.
“No, they’re Chips Ahoy,” said Sarah.
“If you think you’re going on the ‘Nice’ list giving Santa store-bought cookies you have another thing coming,” said Santa, dropping the plate of cookies, which shattered into a dozen pieces. “Hope I don’t wake up your mother,” he added almost to himself.
“She’s passed out drunk, saying that she was mad at my father not being able to take us kids this weekend. She did that before dinner and we haven’t eaten since lunch,” said Sarah.
“Oh really?” said Santa. “James, take those cookies and take them to your bedroom and eat them. Sarah and I are going to have a little talk.” James excitedly gathered the cookies up from the floor and couldn’t wait and took a bite out of one on the way to his room. Santa now alone with Sarah knelt down to get to her level. “So you’re mother’s a drunk, huh?”
“I don’t know about that but she definitely drinks more than I like. She says it’s to settle her nerves from taking care of us kids,” answered Sarah.
“How would you like it if I made it so your mother no longer drank?” asked Santa.
“I would really like that!” exclaimed Sarah. “That would be the best present you could give me!”
“Where’s her bedroom?” asked Santa. “I have to spread some magic fairy dust on her to stop her drinking problem.”
“It’s up the stairs, second door on the left,” instructed Sarah and Santa went on his way.
It was about 15-minutes and Santa still hadn’t returned. Sarah figured that maybe he had gotten lost on the way and so she ventured up the stairs. The door to her parent’s room was slightly ajar and Sarah pushed her way into it. What she saw was her mother lying on the bed with her nightgown pulled up to her waist and Santa with his red trousers around his ankles pushing himself against her repeatedly in a bumping sort of motion.
“Santa, what are you doing?” asked Sarah. “Is my mother alright?”
Without stopping his bump and grind Santa said,“She has crossed into Heaven, my dear, and Santa was stuffing fairy dust in her so that she would come back to you and your brother. Just give Santa another—oh yeah here it comes—another few seconds and he should be finished with his work. Magic fairy dust I summon you to heal this woman—OH YEAH! OOOOHHH, JESUS CHRIST!”
“Are you alright, Santa?” asked Sarah concerned.
“I’m fine. It’s just that this resuscitation work takes a lot out of Santa.”
“Is my mommy going to be okay?” asked Sarah, now starting to well up with tears.
“She’s gonna be fine, kid. She’s alive. Santa saved her. But I’m afraid Santa couldn’t work on her drinking issue this time as more pressing issues were at hand.”
“Thanks, Santa! This is the best Christmas ever!” said Sarah.
“Now why don’t you go to your brother’s room and see if he’s left any of Santa’s cookies for you,” said Santa. “Santa’s got a lot of other children’s houses to go to and your mother needs some alone time to recover. After a good night’s sleep she will be just fine.”
“I will Santa.” Sarah, unable to control her emotions, went to Santa and gave one of his bare legs a hug.
“You go now, honey. You have to be at least 18 to get any of Santa’s fairy dust—16 in Nebraska—and I’m sure it’s way past your bedtime,” said Santa pulling Sarah off of his legs and then his pants up.
Sarah ran through the door and just as Santa was cleaning himself off with the bed sheet she popped her head back inside the room. “Merry Christmas, Santa!”
“Jesus fuckin’ Christ—I mean, Merry Christmas, dear.”
It was a Christmas night that Sarah would never forget…and her mother would never recall.
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