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As my loyal readers know, there are times I can be a bit, shall we say, “long-winded,” usually due to a bad combination of foods fermenting in my stomach. When I have a real bad case of, shall we say, “diarrhea of the mouth,” often due to giving a rim job to my partner right after a night of All-You-Can-Eat Mexican food, instead of posting it under “POSTS,” I post it under “PAGES.”
Unfortunately, with the same frustration that “Bones” the doctor from the original Star Trek used to get when Captain Kirk asked him to do something outside of his expertise, “Dammit Jim, I am a creative, not a technician!” I don’t know how to let viewers who are not signed-up to “Enlightening Nonsense” and just pop in when they want to without any love or loyalty like a pecker does a Glory Hole, know when I post a new PAGE how to find it besides having you scroll through the list at the right of the posts and see if there is anything that tickles your fancy, and by “fancy” I mean ass.
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Check out some of the latest PAGES, such as “The Da Swami Code” where I break down for all the self-proclaimed experts on me the secret code in my writing to transform you from a total idiot to an idiot with a sense of humor. Read, “Being In The Moment,” where I call Eckhart Tolle a sell-out who just wrote his book to get laid and what “being in the moment” really entails as an individual and as a society. Read, “A Christmas Without Jesus,” a piece written on Christmas Day where I talk about Muslims and Jews and only mention Christians when referring to pedophile priests. Or check out my latest PAGE posting or, uh, posting that’s a PAGE, called “A Second-Hand Emotion” where I write about love and how for most it is nothing more than a Tina Turner song.
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My book The 10 Commandments of Dog Training is making its way to the desk of two different big publishers who I think I’ll let fight it out like Michael Vick’s dogs. I’ve also had one of the two people who have read it give me great editing advice that I will implement in the third draft (the other person was my mother who ripped her shirt and exclaimed, “I have no son!”) And I have a great photographer who is committed to the project as well. You can read the Introduction for a teaser [http://rebelyogi.com/the-10-commandments-of-dog-training-introduction.html].
The way things stand now, the second book will be Why I Hate Yoga and will have funny stories from the yoga world as well as yoga philosophy as translated through a rebel yogi. You can read “Practicing Yoga Is A Waste Of Time” [http://rebelyogi.com/practicing-yoga-is-a-waste-of-time] for a taste.
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The third book scheduled is Rawful Behavior: Inside The Cult of Raw Foodism, an investigative report where I will break open this dangerous cult like Geraldo Rivera breaks open a 6-pack and a case of moustache wax. This exposé will break my cover like Dick Cheney did CIA agent Valerie Plume and therefore guarantee me the status of persona non grata in this fruity cult. Read “A Threesome Spoiled,” the piece that, unbeknownst to me at the time, had me removed for two weeks from the Presenter line-up at the Raw Spirit Festival in D.C. [http://rebelyogi.com/a-threesome-spoiled].
The fourth book will be Autobiography of a Jackass. God was wanting to write his own unauthorized biography about me called Even I Make Mistakes! but I told him, “Look, who listens to you anyway?” He agreed and let me write my own story. Truthfully, he’s still stuck in “Thou art” language and his writing is a bit dry. This did inspire another book idea, Arguing With God.
I have a few other book ideas, including a blockbuster story that I don’t want to reveal yet. Alright, I will: The Blockbuster Story: How They Became A Successful Rental Store Without Carrying Porn. Then again, I may not write anything, close my bank account and retire to Budapest with Abandon for a few years where we will live like royalty on my 23 cents savings.
My hope in my writing is for you to be entertained and to stimulate your transformation into a more complete you, for you to become a wholly person, someone who is whole, and not a holy one, someone who has a lot of holes and acts like a spiritual douchebag in order to hide them. That and to make the voices in my head go away.
Take comfort in knowing that while I write through a character that may appear at times like an angry, bitter, jaded, perverted psychopath, that I am not jaded, and by that I mean tied to a whipping post by four Asian women while they throw ninja stars at me. That being said, I am looking for one more Asian woman and please, all applicants need to show proper I.D. “Dammit Jim, I’m a pervert, not a pedophile!”
Om-ly Yours,
Swami X