Enlightening Nonsense

‘Tis the day before Christmas

And Swami X is aglow

Spitting a loogie on your ham

A phlegmy Truth you don’t want to know

 

Let’s review the common fable of Jesus:

Because of Adam and Eve’s “crime,” God the All-Merciful kicks them out of the house and punishes all of their descendants to suffer death and for the female ones to suffer painful periods, just to stick it to those bitches. Later on, God comes down and rapes Mary, for that is what non-consensual sex is called. She gives birth to Jesus, on December 25^th, coincidentally the exact same day as several dozen other messianic types in history, a pagan holiday and a day countless scholars have concluded extremely unlikely to have been the date of his dickless birth (by “dickless” I mean no penis was involved in his conception, not that Jesus has no dick.) Because Jesus was born without the involvement of a penis—despite the fact that God said he made man in his own image and, last I checked and the reason I am no longer allowed to use the men’s lockers at my gym, man has a penis—this somehow meant that he was not subject to the curse the All-Loving had bestowed on the entirety of humanity because two individuals ate a fuckin’ apple–which, incidentally, is said only to be a “fruit” in the Bible, the apple being the most common representation of the forbidden fruit in Christian art in France and Germany beginning around the 12th century, while the Byzantine and Italian artists favored the fig. How many Kool-Aide drinking Christians even know this? How many of them think they know what Jesus looks like based on artists’ renditions a thousand years later as well? “Uh Jew, beard…no dick? Oh sorry, you meant he was born without use of a dick. Make the nose smaller? You said he was a Jew! Oh, I see, have to make him appeal to the masses and a big-nosed, yarmuka-wearing Hebe won’t do it.”

It’s a good thing that creationists don’t believe in evolution, otherwise how would they explain the DEVOLUTION of the serpent who spoke perfect “human” somehow just losing that ability over the years? Maybe a talking serpent was brought to the carnivals like that “singing frog” cartoon and all the serpents got together and decided that they would rather remain silent than be exploited in such a manner. Oh, you’re right, ye faithful, this is just too unrealistic.

When Jesus was about twelve, he was preaching and his mother and brothers were embarrassed and apologetic about this [Mark 3:20-35 When his family heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, "He is out of his mind."], seemingly forgetting that a son born without involvement of a penis should be listened to regardless of what he says. But John 7:5 says “For even his own brothers did not believe him,” as it would take at least a thousand years before a dickless birth was given the weight it deserved.

Jesus disappears for eighteen years, from age 12-30, without a single devout Christian seeming to even take notice of this little gap—a longer gap than their recorded gospels have him even around—nor demand the Vatican to release the documents they have stored there which tells exactly what he was doing during his well-earned sabbatical from being a spiritual Doogie Howser at age twelve. They won’t, because studying mystical traditions in the East for 18 years doesn’t seem to fit into the “Dickless Birth, Son of God” perfection myth.

At age 30, Jesus is like, “Hey, I’m back!” He preaches for three years and says some nice things but is best remembered for his starring role in Mel Gibson’s snuff film, “The Passion of the Christ,” for what he taught is less important than what he suffered to erase the sins from everyone who may or may not have ever eaten an apple.

God the rapist was lucky he didn’t create Child Protective Services back then, and courts, and lawyers (why he ever created them is still a mystery—oh wait, Satan created them—I love how easy it is to understand the world according to Christianity!) or he would have been found guilty of child abuse, and I don’t mean in a “Was it a good touch or a bad touch, Jimmy?” sort of way, not to mention of conspiracy to commit murder (“Abraham, take your son Isaac up to the mountain and kill him with a knife. Don’t worry, if I could hide O.J.’s knife I can hide yours.”), arson, the aforementioned rape, cruelty to animals (causing frogs to rain from the sky for his amusement) and countless other mass murders, only one of which involved all the Egyptians who were chasing after the Jews who he drowned in the Reid Sea, as if “The Almighty” couldn’t have instead put up an invisible barrier that couldn’t be penetrated (“Oh, I never thought about that!”) Oh, if only Mary’s hymen was such an invisible barrier, countless other murders and brainwashing wouldn’t have been committed and then washed clean in the name of Christianity.

When Jesus died, the only logical conclusion to be drawn would be that since he didn’t have to die, as only those born a dickful birth have original sin and are thereby sentenced to death, that his death must have been chosen and the reason: to remove all the sins from everyone who just so happened to have descended from two people who ate an apple they were told not to, for as we all know, all of humanity descended from two people, who had two sons and yet talk of incest in the name of propagating the race never seems to appear in any Bible I have ever vandalized.

Nor is mentioned the fact that “sin” in Aramaic, the language Jesus spoke, was not something designed to make you guilt-ridden and forever dependent on the church but more accurately translates as “missed the mark,” as in archery. I suppose taking such a beating to help one’s archery game would be considered just plain stupid and instead of “Savior” status, Jesus would have been known as the biggest idiot to have ever lived. Now that’s a book I would read cover to cover and quote to proclaim my expertise in idiocy! (as opposed to quoting and pretending piousity.)

On the third day after he died on the cross, Jesus was resurrected, which may throw a monkey wrench in the logic system of the magnitude of his “chosen” death because if one just resurrects right afterwards,it  doesn’t really seem such a big sacrifice capable of removing everyone’s sin, no? Kind of like calling a suicide bomber “brave” when, as we all know, he is going to be waking up in a Heaven where everything that was considered immoral here, such as having fun, is encouraged there—with the addition of 72 virgins; I would probably believe in a dickless birth more quickly than I would a virgin Moslem girl (don’t worry about me, Salmon Rushdie and I will have plenty of fun in hiding from our respective Jihads.) Funny how all the “devout” Christians looks at the “72 Virgins” story and say, “Ridiculous!” and yet never look at their own fable as anything more than a Tooth Fairy story about which no one has ever come clean and said, “I’m the one who’s been putting the quarters under your pillow, Jimmy—and remember, if anyone asks, it was a good touch and not a bad touch.”

 

I will leave THE STORY ACCORDING TO X above without commentary, as I know you Christians don’t like to question anything and thus have to think for yourselves. The only thing I feel may be lacking is a derogatory statement about Jews. As they read the above and have a laugh at the expense of Christians and Moslems, their smug asses are probably counting all the money they saved this season buying their kids eight small shitty toys and trying to convince them it’s better than the Nintendo Wii that their Christian friend got from Santa. But I want to stay on their good side, as we all know they are all Zionists who control the world and when they finally take over more than just the entertainment industry, I want to drop my trump cards of “72 virgins” and “dickless birth” to keep me in good favor and maybe in control of spinning something more than just a gay dreydel.

Christians, do me one solid: don’t pray for my soul. It’s about as valuable to me as a Voodoo magician sticking pins in a cushion that is somehow supposed to represent me—both ludicrous and worthless. I much rather burn for eternity in Hell than have to beg forgiveness from a rapist God.

 

You clean off the once vibrant but for “tradition” dead pig

And through your anger you cannot appreciate Swami X’s jig

You curse him and wish him to the fiery pits of Hell

Forgetting that your “Savior” wished everyone well

He bows his head, not declaring you wrong or right

He says, “Happy Festivus to all, and to all a good-night.”

 

REFLECTION:

Think about what “stories” you feel the need to defend and even get angry if someone questions them (which only shows your attachments). It could be your savior of choice or what you define as success. How do you feel when someone questions your story? “If you love your country, you’d be willing to die for the flag!”…”I think I’m going to quit my job and just live on the street.” “You’d be a bum—we all have to do something constructive with our lives!” More stories. Only a rapist God would want you to die for a piece of cloth or live a life of misery and guilt based on a story.

 

 

MEDITATION:

Imagine yourself walking your daily path and someone comes up to you and with an angry look on his face says something insulting to a belief or system that you once held dear. Feel your body, like the smooth surface of a lake, completely undisturbed by the insult. As you explore deeper you realize that it is not about you managing to “control” your anger or response, that your calmness is because beneath the surface you are truly quiet and unattached to anything, be it object or concept.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 24th, 2008 at 5:12 pm and is filed under Religion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.