I was very concerned that I was a gay man, as not only do I like to shove random objects up my ass but I also like to watch Justin Bieber videos. To my relief I was able to rule this possibility out and instead conclude that I was just a pedophile.
Justin Bieber is 16-years old but looks like he is nine. He is a cute kid and I think he has an excellent singing voice. Sure I find it a little ridiculous when he sings a line like, “Whatever you want, Shorty, I’ll give it to you,” partly because he’s like 4’10″ standing on an apple crate, but also because it’s like hearing some little black kid take the pacifier out of his mouth for a minute and sing, “You my nigga.” And when I hear these youngins sing about love, when the only love they have experienced to date is the love for their teddy bears and mommies, I take my notepad out not to write down love lessons from teenagers but to immortalize what will make me wet myself with laughter on the reread.
I also find it ridiculous how they dress little Justin up like a Barbie Doll. “We’ll give you pristine jeans that sag a bit, a colorful T, cover it with a button up shirt and give you a baseball cap and a hoodie to make you look like a rich kid from the suburbs who is playing ‘gangsta.’”
I have watched “One Less Lonely Girl” [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHVhwcOg6y8] and “One Time” [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHVhwcOg6y8] about 20 times each. “One Less Lonely Girl” is a cute video involving a girl is doing laundry while Justin just sits around drooling over her with his guitar, like a mouth-watering priest as he reviews the latest wave of altar boys to come through his parish. She drops a scarf and he sets up a bunch of signs and pictures and arrows leading her on a scavenger hunt to find her scarf that ends with him in a room with a romantic light set-up. When they dance as intimately as two kids at a Catholic school formal with Sister Superior enforcing the 1-Foot Between Genitals Rule, even I feel like a pervert watching this while masturbating, well, after I blow my load that is.
In “One Time,” Justin is playing video games with his friend in Usher’s house. Usher calls and says he won’t be making it home until later and so, unbeknownst to Usher, Justin decides to throw a big party in his house. When he puts his arm around some girl, I cringe at how awkward he looks only in part because she is like three feet taller than him but mostly because it reminds me of my high school prom when I first threw my arm around my date Lestina and thought to myself that if the roles were reversed, I would never give any cooch to this jackass. So when Ninja came in the room and I was lubricating my computer monitor with the white clumpy grease, I thought quickly on my feet, like Maxwell Smart from the old “Get Smart” television show. “Would you believe that just like how divers rub spit into their goggles to prevent fogging, rubbing jiz into the monitor prevents oil smudges when you inadvertently brush your cock against the screen?” She wasn’t buying it, partly because I had already used the old, “It breaks down oil” excuse to justify cumming in her face. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Hd2e_tRBlY]
She walked out in disgust, thinking me perverted for wacking off to 15-year old girls. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I was rubbing one off with the young, nubile Justin on my mind. And I certainly didn’t tell her that the reason I was with her was because with her buzz cut hairstyle and flat chest she makes me think I am banging a 9-year old boy and when I shout out during orgasm, “Take it, you cute little Pampers boy!” that I am thinking about a cute little boy who wears Pampers.