I never thought golf was anything more than a nuisance I had to flip through when I was channel surfing until Tiger Woods came on the scene. He was not only the best golfer out there but also considered comparatively above and beyond the best athlete in any sport. He had a blonde model wife, was making millions of dollars and was world-famous. I hated this man.
The one thing I did have on him was that he was black and Asian, which would give me a lot of racist material to cull from. I would take the worst stereotypes from each race and heckle him mercilessly as I followed him on tour and shouted my epitaphs.
“HEY TIGER, CLEARLY YOUR HOT WIFE IS ONLY WITH YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR MONEY, WHAT WITH THAT ASIAN RICE PECKER OF YOURS!”
“WATCH THAT TIGER—IF HE DOESN’T STEAL YOUR GOLF BALL, HE’S LIABLE TO SUCK YOUR FLESH BALL FROM HIS PRISON DAYS AS A BLACK BITCH!”
“TIGER, GO BACK TO CHINA AND MAKE SOME KUNG FU MOVIES—AT LEAST THEN I COULD WATCH YOU AND NOT BE BORED STIFF!”
“HEY TIGER, GET A GRIP—THAT IS IF YOU CAN WITH YOUR KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN GREASY FINGERS!”
“I HEAR YOU FRAT HOUSE’S MOST POPULAR SAYING WAS, ‘FILL UP YOUR ‘ASS’ TANK WITH A TIGER!’”
“DID YOU SHARE A CRIB WITH OBAMA IN KENYA, BITCH?”
I had to give it to him, that slant-eyed spook was cool as a cucumber. While my comments were about his skin, I still couldn’t manage to get under his. And then God dropped into my lap both a gift and a curse, which made me remember that I hated God even more than Tiger Woods. It came out in the papers that Tiger was fucking around big-time on his hot wife. I eagerly awaited his next showing on the PGA tour where I was going to let him have it with a combination of how his infidelity was in typical black men fashion and how as a Chinaman if any of his mistresses got pregnant and gave birth to a female child that he could drown it in the river and fit in just fine with his yellow countrymen.
I brought my sleeping bag and slept over the night before at the golf course on hole 8, prepared for Tiger to comment on this and for me to come back with:
“THERE’S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SLEEPING ON HOLE 8 AND SLEEPING WITH 8 HOLES!”
When Tiger saw me he called me over privately. My face was hurting because of the shit-eating grin I had plastered on my face like Batman’s Joker.
“I suppose you wanted to say something to me,” said Tiger.
“Where do I begin…?” I said as smug as Al “Manbearpig” Gore pulling out his index cards full of manipulated data and false facts to give a big presentation that’s not supported by science but is highly supported by his own carbon credit company that will personally bank him billions upon billions of dollars if his “inconvenient lie” is hoisted on the American people.
“Before you do,” he interrupted, “Let me just share something with you and then you can hurl at me whatever you have prepared.”
“Uh, okay,” I said, wondering how long it was going to be before it would be my turn to bring out the filthiest, most disgusting, tasteless and rude material that would make even “South Park,” which featured one episode where Mr. Garrison inserted Lemmiwinks the gerbil up Mr. Slave’s ass, look like a Disney film.
[http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoID=2020634973]
“Marriage is a made-up construct that society has designed which not only goes against the very nature of man as an animal to spread his seed but which also relegates both men and women into property instead of souls. There are societies where polygamy is acceptable and others where there is no marriage. The very moral ethic established in a fidelitatious relationship is merely a construct of this society in which we find ourselves. Now, Swami X, you consider yourself a rebel yogi, don’t you?”
I barely stammered in the affirmative.
“How could you support a made-up, conditioned, societal ‘norm’? I didn’t think that you baah’ed with the rest of the sheep.”
“I don’t. I just—“
“If I committed anything of shame, it was in contracting myself into a marriage when I didn’t really believe in the institution. As you know, Swami X, contract law is the only legal way that a citizen can give up their God-given rights. Most of the rights we haven’t ‘lost’ but have given away. So if anyone is going to judge me—including all the supposed ‘Christians’ who say that only God can judge a person while they are busy judging me—be it for my failure to live up to my word when I signed the marriage license and not because I failed to follow a contrived system that is not based on natural law.”
“Uh, those Christians are hypocrites,” I said, really trying just to regain my footing.
“What does a Marriage License provide besides a tax break and a future addition to some divorce lawyer’s vacation home? Does it increase the love between two people? Does it make them better parents? It does absolutely nothing except newly define a family as a husband, wife, two-and-a-half kids, a dog—and the government. You could call what I’ve done ‘civil disobedience,’ that I have taken a non-violent stand against an institution that has stood for nothing more than oppression.
“I am going to take a little break from the game of golf that I love so much to really reassess whether it is worth it for me to make the sacrifice of my beliefs to keep harmony with the woman I love. I am not sure what decision I will come to—or she will come to—but it will be between the two of us and the media and the society will have no bearing on our decision. Now… do you have something you wanted to say?”
“Um, I think I was the ‘half-kid’ in my family,” was the best I could come up with.
“Abortions apparently weren’t 100% effective back then,” he came back and I decided to keep my mouth shut, seeing that Tiger not only kicked ass on the golf course but with abortion jokes as well.
“So if it’s alright with you, I’m going to go home now and see how my wife and kids are holding up from not only my actions but all the judgments that the good Christians have pelted us with.”
“I thought you were going to play in this tournament?” I asked.
“No, I just came here to have a face-to-face with you.”
“Uh, thanks?”
“And one final thing…” at this Tiger unzipped his fly and let unroll a mammoth of a club—at least a 14 iron—that not only showed me which side of his heritage contributed to his manhood but also a reason besides fame and money why so many women were spreading their girlhoods for him. “I don’t expect to hear any more rice dick jokes from you, bitch,” he said firmly.
“No, sir,” I said as he walked off the golf course, leaving me in silence on the green of the 8th hole, alone except for a family of sparrows that had taken up residence in the divot his 14 iron put in the ground when he unzipped.
“Man is polygamous by nature; he cannot remain tied to one woman. Living with one woman, a man is invariably bored; living with one man a woman is not so bored… Every wife wants that her husband should not be interested in any other woman. This desire, which is natural for a woman, runs counter to the male nature which is basically polygamous. The problem is that if social laws and conventions are laid in obedience to the male nature, women will suffer, and if they are laid to conform to feminine nature, men will be unhappy. And the core of the problem is that neither can be happy if one of them is miserable… We made laws according to the needs of our society, not according to needs of human nature… and as a result the whole of mankind has perpetually been in misery and anguish.”
—Osho from Krishna: The Man And His Philosophy (pp. 773-776)