“Being a comic though ain’t like being no singer. The singers get all the pussy. Like the Bus Boys: they fuck everybody. Bus Boys will fuck anything that moves. Come to my house the fish stop swimming.”
–Eddie Murphy, Delirious
It’s been so long since I’ve had sex…
“How long has it been?”
It’s been so long…that now when I masturbate I don’t think of women–I think of good masturbation sessions!
I am looking for a serious not only last-ing relationship but LAST relationship as well. Not that I want to spend 51 years together with her, like my parents have managed to do. I’m hoping to die soon after the honeymoon period where everything smells like roses and you can do no wrong in her eyes. If I’m lucky, I’ll have a week before the honeymoon becomes a distant memory buried in the grave of a photo book and she starts telling me how she wants me to be something I’m not.
“I love you…but is there anyway you could drop your rebel ways, become a part of the system, treat me to expensive dinners with money you don’t have, dress better, change your hairstyle, grow an eleventh finger–and not be who you are?”
“And what is it exactly that you do love about me?”
“The potential I see in you to be like Silly Putty and mold into what I want–which is not you at all.”
“Oh, now it’s clear. Thanks. Love you, baby.”
That being said, if I don’t get some action soon I’m on the fast track to becoming a fish-fucker! You would think that someone this good-looking and sharp-witted with such an enormous penis would have no trouble getting women. Perhaps my equally huge ego and contrastingly small bank account are proving obstructions.
While tiptoeing through the tulips of porn one sunlit day, I saw an ad for “Top 10 Dating Sites,” which was a pleasant respite from the usual pop-up ads that claim to show you scientifically how to make a woman drop her panties at the drop of a hat; $19.99 times ten payments, the only thing to hit the ground was my jaw when my credit card bill came.
In the Top 10 list was Adultfriendfinder, which was acknowledged as less of a search for a soulmate than a fuckmate. While my focus is not on getting laid, I am very concerned about being a part of the “in” crowd and since they said it was the most popular dating site on the Web, like a toothless junkie shown a fully loaded crack pipe, I was powerless to resist its siren song.
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