It was a simple statement, “Bend over and take it in the ass, bitch!” I couldn’t understand why Duck got so pissed. After further reflection, I realized why this had upset her and modified how I submitted my request. “Bend over and take it in the ass, slut!”
Now contrary to what Bark Mecker, the organizer of the New Life Expo and the Yoga & Raw Food Expo, would say behind my back while smiling and putting his hand on his heart like a cookie-cutter yoga poser to my front, I rarely talk this way nor approve of this kind of talk, unless of course it is some role-playing dirty talk between one consenting adult and another tied up and being forced against her will. I don’t really disapprove of it either. I guess I’m Switzerland on the issue: I don’t care either way what you do to the Jews, just as long as I can feign neutrality while putting their Jew gold in my bank accounts.
http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/155015
I’ve only done anal sex a few times in my relationship career, one time due to bad aim. And I liked it. And the girls I did it with liked it. For me, I don’t know if it was the tightness factor so much as the taboo factor. For them it was because they were whores.
I’m into taboo. For instance, I would never really want to have sex with my sister—unless by “sex” one means “to hit her in the face with a brick”—but I like the incest fantasy because it is oh so unthinkable. And I would never have sex with an animal, unless I was really drunk and horny on a lonely desert and an antelope with a shapely derriere was bent over a muddy puddle having a little slurp, but when I’m in fantasy mode even Abandon leaves the room a little freaked out.
As the consummate student, I studied up on the topic by ordering a “How To” anal sex DVD and reading the bestseller, Anal Sex For Dummies, which was informative but in my opinion devoting the first 90 pages to “Finding The Anus” was overkill. I learned a lot from my studies, including the fact that in and around the anus is located one of the most highly concentrated area of nerves in the body. In practical terms, this means it is a very sensitive area and if you don’t just haphazardly jam a finger or penis up there, it can be utilized for extreme sexual arousal.
It was also recommended to use lubrication because the anal area doesn’t produce lubrication like the vagina. I couldn’t help but to think of all the dry vaginas out there and how now I could use the phrase, “That vagina’s as dry as an asshole!” and leave the poor Catholic nuns alone.
If it weren’t for being blindsided by the section in the DVD where some dude was lying on his stomach while his female partner was ram-rodding his ass with a dildo, I might have left my education unscathed. This little backslide resulted in one of the many scars on my forehead as I passed out from shock and banged my head on the edge of my desk. Another undesired side effect was that I was unable to get hard for the next three weeks, except for the time I was watching the National Geographic Channel and they were showing two sibling animals having sex.
“Straight” guys always act like they can’t even understand how homosexual men can take it up the ass. Usually after I illustrate it on myself with an organic cucumber and some olive oil I learn that it is not the how that they don’t get but the why.
Besides having the same anal enervation that a woman has, the man also has a prostate, that is, unless he has allowed the medical doctors to hack it out of him with their surgical machetes or burn it away with their mini-nukes, likely leaving him with a forever floppy dick drive which constantly dribbles urine onto his keyboard. When stimulated, this little peanut can make him shoot his load farther than Jesse Owens can jump; I learned this the hard way when I had to go in for emergency eye surgery.
So I told Duck I’d like to do anal with her. I guess it wasn’t really much of a debate after all. I asked. She said no. I cried like a little bitch. But I was a little mad and by “mad” I don’t mean like the time after I ate a bowl of cow brains with prion sprinkles and caught a mild case of Mad Cow Disease. This was before the pharmaceutical companies lied about the “coming Swine Flu Pandemic” in order to increase their sales and so the sheeple were not throwing elbows, clamoring their way to inject their children with untested toxins. So I was lucky that I was able to get a mercury-laden vaccine that cleared it up right away, leaving me only partially brain dead in the process.
For me, I would probably do just about anything that would turn my partner on, as long as it didn’t involve slaughtering animals or shitting in each other’s faces. Speaking of shitting in faces, I once went into a porn video place and saw a whole section of German Schiezer porn where people were dropping dookies in each other’s mouths. I thought to myself how this showed how if you take away an innocent hobby from a group, like killing Jews, they’ll become totally depraved.
I would wear a Little Bo Peep outfit. I would pretend I was a little schoolboy and she was the pedophile math teacher. I would be a black slave to her whip-carrying plantation owner. I would be a Gitmo prisoner to her U.S. abusive guard. I would be the geisha girl (I’ve just been dying to pull that outfit out of my closet!) to her Japanese emperor. I would be the Jew to her Nazi and if her nipples got hard when she barked the command, “Into the oven, Jew!” I would be all the happier.
After watching “Pulp Fiction” and the scene with “the Gimp” twenty three times in a row, I am a little freaked out about those S&M leather masks with the red ball in the mouth. We could probably add that to the slaughtered animals and soft serve butt-cream in the face category.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejeW00YcZIc&feature=related
I’ve had some girls say things they want to do to me that even my free willy loving self was like, “Damn, girl! That’s some nasty shit!” But I was always like, “Look, if that’s something that would really turn you on, then I’ll consider doing it. But if it is just to degrade me or some power trip, I’m not in.”
When you think about it, it’s ridiculous for us to make moral judgments on what should or shouldn’t turn someone on. That’s like losing sleep over the fact that someone likes vanilla more than chocolate, if such a degenerate human being even exists. If the goal is getting off, then as long as you don’t hurt anyone or violate someone else’s free will, as the prophet Eric Cartman would say, “What’s the big fuckin’ deal, bitch?” And if I loved someone, or didn’t love them but wanted to treat them to a grand ole opry, who the fuck am I to start playing priest and talk about how this other person is going to be in eternal damnation for liking to stick knitting needles in their nipples and winding them up and letting them whirl like helicopter propellers while I’m getting blown by altar boys in the confessional booth?
On a more serious note, if one will even be able to be heard amongst all this ridiculous noise, if I loved someone I would do anything to bring her joy. Whether that meant searching out little trinkets that she collects, washing the dishes if their accumulation would make her anxious, sitting with her boring friends so that she could use me like arm candy—or taking it in the ass—I would do it. I felt that Duck wasn’t “taking one for the team,” so to speak, the team being us. And there’s no “we” in “team,” unless that we is one’s wee-wee and the “team” is the other’s ass.
Please write your comments below this piece. If enough of you write to the effect of, “Just let him stick it in your ass!” then perhaps this could be the lubrication that will help get Duck and me through this sticky situation. As a side note, I will be deleting any comments that are not Pro-Anal.
http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/150506
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